I wish I could relay the mix of pain, joy, and peace that I felt when were in the transition stage to Texas. The transition is the part that comes right before the delivery, or birth of the dream. It was about 14 months of dreaming, praying, wondering, and preparing. I’m sort of working backwards in bringing the story, and pulling out seasons in relevance to what I’m feeling now. I’m processing and basically “thinking out loud” and sharing those thoughts with you. It’s like grieving an old season and welcoming a new one. My heart has to process or I’ll get stuck. I’ve invited God to help me process and sift the gold out of the dirt. He’s been so faithful to show me the steps, and to provide for everything, financially, spiritually, and emotionally.
I would say transition started in May 2017. We had waited to see if this was really going to happen, and then when we had no doubt that Austin was going to be our new home, we dove off of the cliff and flew. We’d move during summer, so that the kids wouldn’t miss any school. Austin was becoming so real. We wanted it so badly. There was an undeniable sense of peace and confirmation that this was the right move.
Adam applied for a new job, and got it right away. He could work from home, which would allow us to live wherever we wanted. So, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and agreed that he would quit his current, great job, and accept the new one. That same week, we found out our lease would be up in 90 days. We were moving no matter what. Our landlord actually paid us to live in our house for those 90 days. No kidding, the landlord paid the rent for 3 months!!! This still makes me laugh. God just has outrageous plans and gifts that are beyond our comprehension. Crazy thing though, I started to experience some anxiety. I didn’t know anxiety could be a result of good things happening at an accelerated rate. I had so much to do now. Pack, clean, keeps the kids out of the boxes, take loads and loads to the donation center, etc. All good things, just happening so fast! I could feel the old season lifting, and I think my mind and heart were trying to catch up. It’s one thing to want something, and then another for it to actually happen! All routines were out the window. We had a blank sate to work with.
So, I started looking at houses on Zillow, and we found a realtor. Adam started his new job, and then BAM! The wave hit. The new job was not what we had thought it would be. It was over just like that. Done. No going back to the familiar. But God. He knew. I still have questions about that part of the story, but as I look back, I know that He didn’t leave us. Sometimes things happen that are painful, but God redeems. Always. There is nothing He can’t redeem. And guess what? We weren’t paying rent, remember? Flecks of gold showing up in the pain. Funny thing is, the anxiety I had been experiencing went away, and I entered a season of finding Jesus in a way I had never experienced before. I could feel him sitting with me. His presence was so tangible, it makes me cry to think about it. I could feel heaven open over me. I wouldn’t change a thing. That alone was worth all of the loss and pain. My journal filled up with promises and declarations that I clung to. I was flooded with His presence. Maybe this big move looked stupid now that we had no job, but I knew there was breakthrough on the other side of the fear and mess.
For over two months, the transition was painful. It really was like active labor, when you think you’re going to die, and then you remember that you’re about to meet your baby, so you cry because you can’t wait to see their tiny face for the first time, and maybe you laugh for a few seconds before another wave of contractions hit, and you feel like overwhelming sense of fear again. Maybe you yell, or you’re silent, or you cry and pray. Maybe you have a moment when you think you’ll be pregnant forever, because how in the world could you exert any more energy to get this blessed human out??? An then something fierce happens within you that says, “I can do this!!! I have to. I am done crying and whining. This is happening and it’s almost over. Brace yourselves, people, a baby is being born. Jesus, help me.” You surrender and let the pain do its work. You let your body birth. And then the most beautiful part happens! You get your prize. You see that new little face, and hold the one you’ve been carrying for so long, both in your body and in your heart and dreams.
The day our lease was up, we left. The house was packed. There was no solid plan, except that we were going. We made temporary plans, and followed our dream. Adam would apply for jobs when we got there, because companies preferred to hire locals. There is so much exhaustion that I haven’t included in this post. I survived on God’s presence. I feasted on His word. He filled me so full. There was no room inside of me for fear. I knew He’d work it all out. My declaration was that He already had it worked out. I just had to trust Him. We booked a vacation home, packed the van until it was bursting with as much as we could fit, and planned on shipping everything else out later. I prayed that His sweet presence would greet the new owners at the door. That house was soaked in tears and prayers. Such precious memories in the 11 years we had lived there. Our friends came to say goodbye, and off we went. On our way out of town, we stopped to adjust the bins that were strapped to the roof, and our landlord called. He came to the spot where we had stopped and handed us $1,000 !!! A few days before that, I cashed out some forgotten retirement money from my first teaching job that I had resigned from 8 years earlier. We were also gifted another $5,000, and left town with no doubt in our minds that were heading in the right direction. God is a good Father. He really is. The 11th hour is often when He bursts through the walls of impossibilities and crushes them into gold dust.
“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”
Ephesians 3:20-21